I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
do herpes really smell.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
