yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
