Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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