I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
