i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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