My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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