Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
As shirtless as possible
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
