All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
