I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
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