I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You have to summon your inner elephant
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
