I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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