I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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