You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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