Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Randomize
