remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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