i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
