His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
