First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
