I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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