I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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