The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
