why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
