You smell like a Billy Joel song
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
