The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
