Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
