the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
