if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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