So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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