my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize