Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
