2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
