I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The uberlube is also flammable
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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