Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
