2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
