Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
