we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
