I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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