Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
