watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
