just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
