Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
