im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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