Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
