Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
