I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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