we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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