you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
