maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I could make wine with my vomit
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Operation Purity has been aborted
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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