when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
