I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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