I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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