In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
