come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
