he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
