Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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