he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
