Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
