they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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