Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
