if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
